My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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