Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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