the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
