Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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