I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
