Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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