This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
