I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
ok first of all what the fuck
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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