dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize