My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
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