I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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