i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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