sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
