I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
