I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
