Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
