I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
