I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
