His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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