I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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