I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
