Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
