The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
