if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
