So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
