i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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