The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
