just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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