I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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