she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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