The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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