Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
