uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Randomize
