Please, let me fuck your mom
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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