i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
