Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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