I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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