I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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