So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
