Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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