Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
