If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
