A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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