It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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