i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
