Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
