meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I got her a Nickelback box set.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize