oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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