My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
