Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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