We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
