You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize