im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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