Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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