I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
