Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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