If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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