I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
